Are You a Helper? How Can You Learn to also be a Helper to Yourself?
Recently, my dear friend passed away after a long illness. In the last few weeks of his life, I drove to see him and help out as much as I could. The drive is not an easy one — it’s an hour and a half one way (over several mountain passes), if there is no traffic. Since this is the LA area, there is almost always traffic.
In his last few days, I decided to stay at a hotel nearby so I could be there more often and not have to worry about driving. As I was lending a hand, I had the notion that I’m at my best when I’m helping.
This is actually not uncommon for those of us with ADHD. We are typically great in emergencies or when others are relying on us. It gets the dopamine flowing. Helping others is the bright and shiny object. This might explain why, anecdotally, professions such as ER doctors and EMTs attract people with ADHD. Novelty and urgency are powerful dopamine producers.
Now that my friend has passed, I’m feeling scattered. I’ve allowed myself to binge Game of Thrones (for a second time), spending great swaths of my day on my iPad streaming. This morning, I met with my good friend and fellow coaching colleague Ted to talk about how to get back into work mode. Below are a few takeaways that I hope will also inspire you.
I’m thinking in “all-or-nothing” terms: I don’t need to be in all grief mode or all work mode. I can grieve and work. The key is to be self-aware about when I need to take time for self-care or downtime. I may need to use my strategies to get some work accomplished right now, like chunking — 15 minutes on, five minutes off — or taking care of one task and then reassessing. Pausing will be the key to figuring out when I need to rest and when I can push a little more. (This strategy is also helpful for those experiencing burnout.)
Ted helped me say it out loud: I’m a helper. The second I said that, the coach in me asked myself, “How can you be a helper to yourself?” I didn’t have an immediate answer, but Ted suggested I start from where I am, and that felt right. I’m going to be playing with this question all week. Honestly, I’ll probably be pondering it forever. We need to be reminded constantly.
Writing: Writing has always been my go-to for processing. I’m journaling more now and tapping into my creative urges.
Leaning on my signature character strengths: My top strengths — love of learning, creativity, appreciation of beauty and excellence, bravery and curiosity — can help me now as I navigate my new life without my dear friend. Bravery will help me face this new reality, and curiosity will help me explore new ways to process this loss. Creativity will support my writing, and love of learning can help me understand how this experience might help others.Hope is low for me, so I might try pairing hope with curiosity I might ask myself: What might change is I try one tiny shift today?"
Boundaries: Boundaries are hard for helpers! But if I want to help myself more, I may need to set some boundaries for how much I help others. I may need to check my capacity and choose myself when I'm limited in time or energy.
Self-compassion and checking perfectionism: I’ll have setbacks. There may be days I watch a little too much Game of Thrones or lie in bed too long. It’s OK. Strategies and plans don’t need to be perfect. I just need to be mindful and accepting as I work my way back to the things that make my life feel meaningful and fulfilling.
I’ll continue to write, to ponder, to pause and to check in as I move forward. I’ll keep asking myself how I can be a helper to myself. I've put the question up on my white board to remind me. I’ll keep playing with the thoughts that emerge, trying them on and seeing how they land.
This is the path to growth — and that’s all I ever want in my life.
